Boy gets into trouble for being annoying; religious guidance required

A young Muslim man has been sentenced to three months’ religious guidance after a Local Court Magistrate deemed him immoral and lacking in any deep understanding of anything.

The young man, who is simply referred to as ABCDEF, was charged with Being An Annoying Hypocrite after he was found lecturing young Muslim girls at a local Islamic high school. The girls lodged a complaint with their Principal, citing five incidences in which ABCDEF had approached them to lecture them on appropriate dress.

The girls argued that they had no problem with being advised on their clothing, but that when the advice was coming from a non-relative who was known in his local community to date girls and smoke like a chimney, they were forced to act.

“He’d come yelling, pointing out what he sees as problems with our clothing,” one of the young girls, who wishes to remain anonymous, told reporters. “Like, chill man. Sure, we’re wearing trousers, but we have dresses over the trousers. He was wearing really tight clothes and is hardly one to talk.”

Another girl, who asked to be referred to as The Postmodernist, argued that it was symobolic of a deeper problem. The Year 12 humanities-driven student said, “The neo-conservative dialect is apparent in his speech. It is coloured by a misdirected didacticism, the anger of a Piers Akerman and the weakness of a comic book film not directed by Bryan Singer.”

Her friend concurred saying, “He didn’t even understand half of what we said. I think he’s stupid or something.”

Young couple in abusive marriage; wife won’t make dinner

A senior Islamic cleric was called into a South-Western Sydney home on Tuesday evening in order to resolve a dispute between a young Muslim couple. Distressed neighbours reportedly called local police after hearing shouts from their newlywed neighbours.

Young couple Ahlan and Sahlan Il Majaneen took action themselves, calling in their favourite cleric after their fifth argument over Ahlan's abusive behaviour. Ahlan, 25, a retail assistant, and Sahlan, 27, who works two jobs, struggle to find time to spend together.

Tuesday evening's dispute reportedly began after Sahlan returned home to an empty flat after two back-to-back shifts. Ahlan admits to hitting her husband several times upon her return, and police have alledgedly questioned Sahlan as to whether he wished to press charges.

"I love my wife and I don't wish to press charges," Sahlan says. "But she does scare the crap out of me. I don't dare to ask for dinner. Last time I did that, well… I don't want to talk about it."

Neighbours report that the cleric left after three hours of fierce discussion, but his translator told News Corp reporters camped on the lawn that the cleric was optimistic about the future of the couple.

Mid-year Christmas sale sparks riot

Shoppers at an annual mid-year discount sale of Christmas merchandise were shocked when the first day of the busy but generally uneventful sale developed into a scene resembling a riot. Police were called in after fighting erupted over the last of a box of Christmas stockings.

Janice Bigated and Faiza Horder both grabbed the last box of stockings which proved very popular in Kmart stores during the previous Christmas period.

Horder claims that racial slurs were thrown her way because she wears the Islamic head covering known as the hijab.

"She called me names when she tried to grab the box off me!" A distraught Horder explained after police had cordoned off the sale area.

"I have nothing against that raghead," Bigated claims. "But she doesn't celebrate Christmas, so what does she need the stockings for? To hide her weapons of mass destruction?"

Man takes second wife before first; will come back to first marriage

Young engineer Aktar Ishi Majnoon has become the first Muslim man to marry a second wife before having a first. The 29-year old Melbourne resident admits that his approach is unorthodox, but explains that the difficulties in finding a suitable first wife left him with no other choice.

“I really couldn’t find someone to fulfil that role, so my mum and sister started looking for someone to be my second wife. That made things a lot easier ultimately and I’m really happy with the outcome.”

Majnoon says that his second marriage is enough to keep him busy for now, particularly as his second wife turned out to be a spendthrift. But he doesn’t rule out future marriages, including of course marriage to a lady who can fill the coveted first wife spot, and he is already planning ahead.

Pageant winner: beauty inside is what matters on the outside

In a groundbreaking attempt to shatter differences and create harmonious intercultural understanding, a young Muslim woman has successfully competed in the Miss Big Wide World pageant. Defying expectations, Miss Habiba El Majnooneh, 23, became the first Muslim woman to take the crown, winning over a multi-ethnic judging panel.

“I’m really excited,” El Majnooneh confessed at a post-pageant press conference. “I’m really happy that I can break down barriers and show the beauty of my culture and religion through this competition.”

The young winner topped the swimsuit and evening gown categories, and admits that her revealing outfits would do much to address misconceptions about Muslim women.

“My religion has the greatest respect for women. We look beyond the surface as Muslims in order to value the beauty within, so I’m really happy that I can show this as a beauty queen.”

Judges also commended the young contestant for her astute observations on world events, particularly those in Africa.

“The birth of Brad and Angelina’s baby is significant on many levels,” El Majnooneh says.