John Howard: “They’re not heavy, they’re my (exclusive) brethren”

They don’t allow entertainment, read novels, eat with infidels, attend university, allow membership of secular organisations, allow the wearing of shorts, watch films, listen to the radio, watch television or allow the use of mobile phones. Their women cover their hair, dress conservatively and only marry within the faith. They are opposed to homosexuality and environmentalism. They are isolationists that view other Australians as being corrupt. Their critics charge them with undermining democracy by funding covert smear campaigns.

Despite that, the Prime Minister John Howard has come out in defence of the Exclusive Brethren and their right to practice their faith.

Long running feuds to be settled, Bert-style

This week Channel Nine will air the first ever episode of Family Feud featuring a Muslim family. Simply known as the “Muslims”, producers at the network say they were impressed with the angle the Muslims provided to the ailing show, so much so that they are planning to create a new version tentatively titled Muzzie Family Feud.

“We found that a lot of the answers they gave related to marriage. So if the question related to picnics, the answers would be things like, couples, married couples, engagement barbecue and so on. It was kind of unusual at first, and Bert [Newton] was a bit confused. But soon enough Bert was cracking jokes about arranged marriages and all was well.”

Community Idol: idol mania to hit suburbia

The Federal Government has unveiled its latest strategy in building cultural harmony and understanding in Australia. The tentatively titled “Oz Community Idol” will see different ethnic communities pitted against each other in fierce competition and filmed for a reality television show, funded by the taxpayers.

“We have all communities acknowledging the importance of integration and acceptance of Aussie values, and they all claim to be carrying it out,” the Prime Minister John Howard said. “But this is simply not the case, and I think this competition will only confirm these suspicions. And the well-behaved communities will have their moments in the spotlight.”

Bush: Hunt for Bin Laden must not be distracted by his reported death

The US President George Bush has lashed out at the media over news that Osama Bin Laden has died. “Those journalists and media outlets that are irresponsibily reporting the death of Bin Laden are only helping the enemy,” the President told a press conference earlier today.

When asked if he was concerned by reports of the alleged terrorist mastermind’s death, the President became agitated.

“Of course, I’m concerned. You can’t have a war against evildoers unless there are evildoers doin’ evil,” the President warned. “If Bin Laden’s dead then that’s a serious setback for the War on Terror. And our enemies know that.”

Exclusive: Proposed citizenship test for migrants!

Following the Government’s proposal to increase the waiting period for immigrants to obtain citizenship and sit for an English test and quiz, Satirical Muslim is pleased to announce that it has secured exclusive access to the proposed citizenship test.

Test your Aussieness!

DOWNLOAD PROPOSED CITIZENSHIP TEST

Treasurer highlights plight of adult ADHD sufferers

While former Victorian premier Jeff Kennett may have adopted the cause of depressed people through his Beyond Blue foundation, Peter Costello has adopted the plight of adult sufferers of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Costello used an address to a Christian lobby group in Canberra today to provide an example as to how this crippling illness can affect people from all walks of life. Even, it seems, treasurers of Commonwealth governments.

Supernanny in Somalia: putting protesters in the naughty corner

As Muslim crowds, angered by Papal intimations that Islam encourages violence, continue to burn Papal effigies and call for the Pope to be killed, the United Nations has enacted a special emergency plan formulated in the aftermath of the War of the Danish Cartoons.

Under the plan, Jo Frost, known to TV audiences worldwide as the “Supernanny“, would be air-dropped into the various hot spots to deal with angry Muslim protesters. By deploying similar techniques to those she has used to impressive effect on angry toddlers, it is hoped she will be able to contain angry mobs of protesters.

The plan was activated in recent days when a Somali sheikh declared that the Pope had to be killed as a matter of urgency. Jo Frost found herself being air dropped by Blackhawk helicopter into the middle of Mogadishu as angry protesters swarmed around a burning effigy of Pope Benedict constructed out of old UN food sacks and rubber tyres.

“There I was, surrounded by lots of angry, screaming protesters,” she said. “They were chanting ‘Kill the Pope’, were burning effigies and were being very naughty indeed.”

PM disappointed in Muslim response to Pope; not violent enough

The Prime Minister John Howard has expressed his disappointment in the Muslim community for their reaction to Pope Benedict’s recent controversial speech in which he made reference to a Christian emperor who had described Islam’s teachings as “evil and inhuman”. Howard made the comments on ABC’s Lateline program last night.

“To be honest, I don’t understand the reaction. It’s not nearly violent enough. With the Danish cartoons they went the whole nine yards, but what we have are leaders actually issuing statements and not doing anything too stupid. I mean, sure there are some radicals making an effort, but it’s frankly not enough.”

America has an ‘Ernest’ friend in the War on Terror

The emergence of a powerful group of anti-war Hollywood liberals has been a thorn in the side of an administration that has found it increasingly difficult to sell the “War on Terror” to the American people.

“Since launching the War on Terror we have had to confront the Clooneys, the Sheens, and the Penns, ” complained a senior Administration official. “It seems like all of Hollywood is in cahoots with Saddam and al-Qaeda.”

For several years, Bush Administration officials have searched for a popular culture alternative to the Hollywood liberals. “We’ve spent years hoping that someone would come forward,” the official said. “We wanted someone with credibility, that can speak to young Americans. Someone who is more comfortable holding a burger than defending the burqah.“

“We wanted someone who, unlike fakes like Clooney and Penn, understood the reality of war. We wanted a man who knew what it is like to be hunted at sea like a minky whale by Japan’s Imperial Navy.”

And that man is Ernest Borgnine.

John Mark Karr: “I am the leader of Australia’s Muslims”

In recent days, the Australian Federation of Islamic Councils (AFIC) has been put into administration amid controversy over who is actually running the peak organisation for Australia’s 300,000 Muslims.

It is yet another embarrassing setback for the Muslim community. AFIC has been pursuing legal action against a former official whilst senior clerics have reportedly distanced themselves from the council.

Meanwhile, the government’s Muslim Community Reference Group (MCRG) has sought to establish itself as the representative of Australia’s Muslim community. There have been media reports that the government wishes to establish its own mufti as spiritual leader of Australia’s Muslims. Many commentators place “Crazy John” Ilhan as a likely applicant.