Celebs reveal secret to weight loss: Islam

Pop star Madonna has finally spoken out about her recent weight loss, explaining that the secret to her success is the “Ramadan Diet”.

“Muslims are currently observing the holy month of Ramadan, and since I like to pick and mix, I decided to adopt their diet,” she said.

Madonna, who practises Kabbalah, an offshoot of Judaism, said that she’s tried Catholicism as well, so it was time to inject some Islam into her “diet”.

“The whole Jesus and a cross to bear thing has been really good for me in terms of my stage shows and video clips. And the Kabbalah thing has also been really amazing because I wear a wristband and I seem more serious now,” she explained.

“But I thought fasting may be a good exercise in restraint and also facilitate weight loss – so long as I don’t have too many carbs after sunset. I don’t want to become a porker, especially because my latest stage show sees me wearing a lot of kitsch leotards.”

British Airways cracks down on religious symbols

British Airways has come under fire for a purge of religious symbols from the workplace with the policy now being extended to, “non-traditional interpretations of religion”. In the last week, unions report over 100 British Airways staff have been cautioned or stood down without pay for violations of the company’s new policy.

Even atheists have been targeted under the new policy. “We consider the absence of belief to be a form of belief in itself,” a British Airways spokesman said today. “Therefore, we have taken steps to prevent any displays of atheism in the workplace that might alienate others.”

New Militant Group: We will free Muslim women from themselves

Al-Jazeerah has broadcast a message last night from a militant group identifying itself as The Popular Front for the Liberation of Muslim Women (PFLMW). Calling for Muslim women to be freed from wearing hijab and dressing conservatively, a spokesman for the group has denounced Western governments for not passing laws illegalising the wearing of the hijab.

“For too long, Muslim women have been denied a voice,” the spokesman warns whilst speaking from an unidentified inner-suburban cafe hideway. “Praise be to the secular nostrums of radical feminism, we have arrived to speak for them.”

Testing times as Americans look for answers to North Korean crisis

As the United Nations meets to discuss how to handle the expanding North Korean crisis, an American film producer has announced the re-release of the 2004 film, Team America. Initially released under the comedy genre, recent events in North Korea have seen the film reclassified as documentary. It will be screened on the National Geographic channel towards the end of the year.

“As America faces a new and more dastardly enemy in the form of Kim Jong Il,” a spokesperson for the film distributor said. “They are looking for answers and an independent and objective assessment of how fantastically evil and deranged this man really is. Team America will provide these answers.”

The recent nuclear test conducted by the North Korean regime has led to an increased awareness of a country called North Korea within the United States. A recent CNN poll found that 85 per cent of Americans now believed that North Korea had a role in September 11 as compared to just 52 per cent last year.

President Bush has declared the nuclear test a vindication of his decision to invade Iraq. “We said there were WMDs and we found WMDs,” he told a press conference today. “They are in Korea. And the fact that they were in Korea shows the level of cooperation between Saddam and Kim Jong Il.”

Saira Khan speaks out on North Korea

A runner-up on BBC TV’s The Apprentice reality television show, Saira Khan, has entered the debate on women’s dress in the United Kingdom. Writing in the previously prestigious The Times, Khan likened the veil to, “domestic violence, forced marriages, sexual abuse and child abuse that are rife in the Muslim community”.

Saira is the daughter of immigrant Kashmiri parents and claims to have suffered from an overly strict upbringing which led to all sorts of inhuman suffering. As she told a British newspaper, “At home I ate different food to the meals my English friends ate and watched Bollywood films while my friends were going to the cinema. I would have loved to have had sausages and baked beans at home, or get my dad to go to the pub and drink cider, but that was never going to be.”

Jack Straw to Muslims: “This isn’t about you.”

Jack Straw, recently fired by the Bush Administration as British Foreign Minister, has sparked a controversy in the United Kingdom with remarks critical of the veil worn by some Muslim women. Speaking at a Labour Party conference, Mr Straw said that he requested that veiled women remove their veils before meeting him.

“I understand that some of these women are very religious and it’s a terrible affront to be asked to remove their veil in front of a man they are not related to,” Straw told Satirical Muslim. “But to that I say, ‘this isn’t about you, love’. This is about me. I’m the one with the problem.”

Federal Government: eating pork builds national identity

As part of their program of promoting Australian values, a government taskforce has called on Muslims to reconsider their 1,400 year old ban on eating pork. “Pork nowadays is very clean,” a spokesman told Satirical Muslim today. “In the old days, it was a very dirty animal but now they keep them in special farms and feed them special food.”

The federal government has committed $60,000 to produce a pamphlet, entitled “Let’s Talk About Pork” and will be distributing it to the nation’s mosques and Islamic schools in time for the end of Ramadan.

Controversy hits interfaith network

The Australian interfaith community is reeling from Muslim comments at a recent interfaith gathering held in Sydney, NSW.

The gathering was hosted by the Inter-Denominational Interfaith Organisational Taskforce (IDIOT), a prominent organisation devoted to, “building spiritual bridges of eccumenical understanding between different faith traditions as a means of disempowering the demonisation of The Other.” Members of the Muslim, Jewish and Christian community were in attendance, as were representatives from federal and state governments.

Mel Gibson offers support to MCRG chairperson

Mel Gibson has taken time out of alcohol rehab in Los Angeles to voice support for the chairman of the Prime Minister’s Muslim Community Reference Group (MCRG) Dr Ameer Ali.

Ali has come under intense criticism for recent comments reported in The Australian newspaper about the allegedly ‘flawed character’ of the Prophet Muhammad and the need for a radical reinterpretation of the Qu’ran.

Minneapolis’ Taxi Drivers Threaten Us All

The news that some of Minneapolis’ Muslim taxi drivers have refused to carry passengers carrying alcohol has been met by a relatively muted response from the media. This has drawn criticism from some Australian politicians that have charged some sections of the press with ‘capitulating’ to Muslim taxi drivers in the US state.

“What influence do these taxi drivers have over the Australian media that they have stopped them from seeing what is really going on? The refusal of some taxi drivers in one part of America to carry alcohol is an event as significant to the Australian Way of Life as the murder of Archduke Ferdinand was to the Austro-Hungarian empire,” said an obviously angry Foreign Minister Downer today.