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Celebrating the end of Ramadan this year, Muslims in the West were divided once again over the dates on which the months of Ramadan and Shawwal officially begin. The division is caused by a mixture of community politics and differing opinions in Islamic jurisprudence, and is a source of much controversy, debate, and domestic disputes.

Young Australian Muslim Jameel Haydar described one such disturbance to Satirical Muslim.

“I always pray Eid at Lakemba with my cousins. Those people follow the moon but, wahyet Allah it’s wrong, bro! Harom, my cousin was fasting on Eid and my uncles ripped her apart!”

Another young man described a confrontation with his father.

“He rang me up on ‘their’ Eid and said ‘I demand that you break your fast, young man! Eat some sweets right now! Put it in your mouth and chew it! I want to hear you chew it!’”

But the fallout is not just confined to relatives fasting and breaking their fast on different days. Co-workers who take different days off work to celebrate Eid can confuse their employers and project an image of disharmony in front of the infidels.

And now, the controversy is spilling over to other months of the Islamic calendar. Local leaders are outraged that some members of their congregations are celebrating other months, such as Safar, on dates which differ from those of the $5 Hijri wall calendar.

One such Imam protested to Satirical Muslim in righteous anger.

“I know it has no particular significance in Islam, but it is the principle of it. Why should the debate be confined to Ramadan and Eid only? We need to fight [this] all year round!”

Traditionally, the first day of every month in the Islamic calendar is determined by a local lunar sighting with the naked eye, which is regarded as the Sunnah (way) of Prophet Muhammad (Peace Be Upon Him). In the last few decades, however, astronomical calculations have become popular due to their convenience and scientific accuracy.

Other methods that are used include global moonsighting from any place around the world; global moonsighting from Kazakhstan in specific; and flipping a coin for one of two contested dates. These methods, once unique to Muslims in the West, are slowly gaining traction in predominantly Muslim countries.

Meanwhile, the controversy is expected to flare up again for the day of Eid Ul-Adha (may it be a blessed one for all).

Guest Diarist: SADDAM HUSSEIN

Day One

Crap. I got caught. I wonder if I can get cable in my cell.

Spoke with lawyer. He suggests we go with the Chewbacca Defence because I’m starting to look like him. Ha ha. Only joking, but isn’t it a gas?

Pop star Madonna has finally spoken out about her recent weight loss, explaining that the secret to her success is the “Ramadan Diet”.

“Muslims are currently observing the holy month of Ramadan, and since I like to pick and mix, I decided to adopt their diet,” she said.

Madonna, who practises Kabbalah, an offshoot of Judaism, said that she’s tried Catholicism as well, so it was time to inject some Islam into her “diet”.

“The whole Jesus and a cross to bear thing has been really good for me in terms of my stage shows and video clips. And the Kabbalah thing has also been really amazing because I wear a wristband and I seem more serious now,” she explained.

“But I thought fasting may be a good exercise in restraint and also facilitate weight loss – so long as I don’t have too many carbs after sunset. I don’t want to become a porker, especially because my latest stage show sees me wearing a lot of kitsch leotards.”

Madonna says she doesn’t eat or drink during the hours from dawn until sunset, at which time she breaks her fast with a bottle of designer water and a healthy kosher dinner.

Following Madonna’s revelation, other celebs have confessed to experimenting with the Ramadan diet, although the issues with it are obvious for many. Nicole Kidman said the problem was that it still involved eating at some point of the day, while Ozzy Osbourne lamented being unable to brush his “%$^*ing teeth”.

Even models have taken to the diet, marvelling at the benefits of the detoxification aspect of it, although it is still not ideal for those strutting their stuff on the runways of Paris. “I think it’s difficult only being able to do it once a year, and only for a month. I prefer to fast all day, every day,” said recently reformed model Kate Moss.

The publicity juggernaut is certainly bringing the diet into the mainstream. A Current Affair offered its take on the diet taking Hollywood by storm, touting it as a wonder diet that will change lives forever. Featuring handy tips and ways to get started in a segment on last night’s show, ACA also featured a story on Muslim shopkeepers who refused to sell SPAM. The producer said he saw the benefit in the Ramadan diet and sought to espouse the virtue of eating like Muslims during Ramadan, just as long as people didn’t act like them.

Meanwhile Madonna plans to release a book about her dieting experience, tentatively titled Time for something new: Eating like a Muslim.

British Airways has come under fire for a purge of religious symbols from the workplace with the policy now being extended to, “non-traditional interpretations of religion”. In the last week, unions report over 100 British Airways staff have been cautioned or stood down without pay for violations of the company’s new policy.

Even atheists have been targeted under the new policy. “We consider the absence of belief to be a form of belief in itself,” a British Airways spokesman said today. “Therefore, we have taken steps to prevent any displays of atheism in the workplace that might alienate others.”

One former ticketing agent was sacked after her supervisor found a copy of Richard Dawkins’ Selfish Gene in her bag. “I had gone out to lunch and when I returned there was my supervisor flicking through the book,” she told Satirical Muslim. “He said that Richard Dawkins was listed on Wikipedia as an atheist and his book was advocating the theory of evolution. As such, he said, I had to be let go.”

Another woman tells a similarily disturbing tale. “When I told my boss that I worshipped Justin Timberlake, I never expected it would cost me my job,” she told us. “He said that I had no business bringing my religious beliefs into work.”

But for one BA employee, a trip to a theme park would cost him his job. When his supervisor noticed a photo of him sitting on the back of a horse-drawn carriage, he was accused of being a “closet Amish”. “The BA executive said that the photo was clearly an attempt to promote the austere Mennonite interpretation of Christianity in the workplace,” he said. “He asked me to take three weeks unpaid leave from work and to meditate on whether I wanted to continue with BA.”

Sadly, for the executive, he was overhead by another BA employee and was disciplined for promoting transcendental meditation in the workplace.

In other news, British Airways executives are lobbying the British government for a change of flag. “We have a problem with the Union Jack on the tail fin of our planes,” a spokesperson said today. “We are concerned the Christian symbolism is causing unnecessary suffering and hardship for citizens of non-Christian nations that we might fly to.”

Al-Jazeerah has broadcast a message last night from a militant group identifying itself as The Popular Front for the Liberation of Muslim Women (PFLMW). Calling for Muslim women to be freed from wearing hijab and dressing conservatively, a spokesman for the group has denounced Western governments for not passing laws illegalising the wearing of the hijab.

“For too long, Muslim women have been denied a voice,” the spokesman warns whilst speaking from an unidentified inner-suburban cafe hideway. “Praise be to the secular nostrums of radical feminism, we have arrived to speak for them.”

“Right now there are millions of Muslim women chafing under the oppressive jackboot of liberty-loving regimes that promote freedom of dress and religion. But, we say, this is a false freedom and a perfidious lie often propagated by the women themselves.”

“Some people falsely assume that what Muslim women want is to look like Muslim women,” the spokesman said. “And maybe that is true but this isn’t about what they think, this is about what we think is best for them. And what is best is for them to listen to us.”

Waving what appeared to be a tattered copy of Jean Sasson’s Princess, the spokesman warned that there would be dire consequences if his demands were not met. “We will assail the opinion pages of your newspapers from left and right. We will call talkback radio. We will even write blogs. As long as a single Muslim woman remains subjugated by her own personal choice, you will never know peace. If the revolution of the last forty years means anything, it means the objectification of women.”

Intelligence agencies are taking the tape seriously and are currently analysing it to identify the possible location of the group. “Although the tape is quite grainy,” a spokesman for the Australian Federal Police said today. “We believe that the colour of the man’s cafe latte, the copy of the Daily Telegraph sitting on the table and a man resembling Piers Akerman nodding sagely in the background may offer some clues as to their location.”

As the United Nations meets to discuss how to handle the expanding North Korean crisis, an American film producer has announced the re-release of the 2004 film, Team America. Initially released under the comedy genre, recent events in North Korea have seen the film reclassified as documentary. It will be screened on the National Geographic channel towards the end of the year.

“As America faces a new and more dastardly enemy in the form of Kim Jong Il,” a spokesperson for the film distributor said. “They are looking for answers and an independent and objective assessment of how fantastically evil and deranged this man really is. Team America will provide these answers.”

The recent nuclear test conducted by the North Korean regime has led to an increased awareness of a country called North Korea within the United States. A recent CNN poll found that 85 per cent of Americans now believed that North Korea had a role in September 11 as compared to just 52 per cent last year.

President Bush has declared the nuclear test a vindication of his decision to invade Iraq. “We said there were WMDs and we found WMDs,” he told a press conference today. “They are in Korea. And the fact that they were in Korea shows the level of cooperation between Saddam and Kim Jong Il.”

“We need to redouble our efforts in Iraq and stay the course. We can’t let the threat of a nuclear holocaust distract us from the broader objective of training the Iraqi police force.”

Meanwhile, United Nations officials deliberate on how to handle the growing problem. Outgoing UN secretary-general Kofi Annan suggested they needed a something-for-food program but wasn’t sure what the North Koreans had that his son, Kojo, might want. “We’re just looking at the moment,” he said.

And, in other news, Hollywood sources have reported that Alec Baldwin has gone missing.

A runner-up on BBC TV’s The Apprentice reality television show, Saira Khan, has entered the debate on women’s dress in the United Kingdom. Writing in the previously prestigious The Times, Khan likened the veil to, “domestic violence, forced marriages, sexual abuse and child abuse that are rife in the Muslim community”.

Saira is the daughter of immigrant Kashmiri parents and claims to have suffered from an overly strict upbringing which led to all sorts of inhuman suffering. As she told a British newspaper, “At home I ate different food to the meals my English friends ate and watched Bollywood films while my friends were going to the cinema. I would have loved to have had sausages and baked beans at home, or get my dad to go to the pub and drink cider, but that was never going to be.”

“They even tried to force me into an arranged marriage,” she said. “Thankfully, I escaped that and ended up with a nice non-Muslim white man called Steve. Now we can eat all the sausages we want and I can speak English at home without fear.”

“I’ve got all the qualities for a spokeswoman on Muslim issues.,” she told Satirical Muslim. “I’m smart, attractive, worked as an aerobics instructor for many years, and I’m a runner up on a popular BBC reality show. I’m married to a non-Muslim white man and we eat sausages at home, so I know what it takes to succeed in business.”

Some Muslim leaders have criticised Saira’s comments on the hijab but she dismisses their complaints. “I come from a background in Reality TV so I know all about the real world,” she says. “I’ll keep talking as long as I am willing to listen to myself.”

“If there is one thing I took home from The Apprentice apart from some sausages from the canteen,” she said. “It is the importance of publicity and taking whatever opportunities come to you.”

Recently, Saira has followed up her criticism of Muslim women that wear veils with a strong attack on the North Korean leader, Kim Jong Il over his recent nuclear test.

“Is he trying to intimidate us into not doing something by wearing those glasses and that jumpsuit that looks like it escaped from the set of a 1950s science fiction flick?”, she asks carefully. “I think keeping fit and fashion are very important and, as I was saying to my husband, a white man, whilst we sat down one evening over sausages and cider to recount my horrible conservative childhood, my background makes me perfectly qualified to comment on North Korean politics.”

“I’ve always been very Korea-minded,” she laughs. “I’m a Korea-girl. And I share a certain affinity with the North Korean people because, like them, I had a childhood without sausages and where I was made to speak a foreign language instead of English. “

“If I have one message for Kim Jong Il though, it is this,” she warns whilst drawing imaginary sausages on the table. “I’m 35 and I worked 9 to 5 for most of my life. I didn’t go on The Apprentice because I wanted a higher profile. I went on there to help Sir Alan Sugar out. It doesn’t matter that I came second because the most important thing is having talent and proving you can get results. I’m going to be the next big thing, just you wait and see.”

Jack Straw, recently fired by the Bush Administration as British Foreign Minister, has sparked a controversy in the United Kingdom with remarks critical of the veil worn by some Muslim women. Speaking at a Labour Party conference, Mr Straw said that he requested that veiled women remove their veils before meeting him.

“I understand that some of these women are very religious and it’s a terrible affront to be asked to remove their veil in front of a man they are not related to,” Straw told Satirical Muslim. “But to that I say, ‘this isn’t about you, love’. This is about me. I’m the one with the problem.”

Straw rejects accusations that his call is religiously or racially motivated.

“And this isn’t about Muslims either. Only last week, an elderly Christian lady constituent came to see me about getting her war widows pension sorted out. I told her I found it confronting that she was covering her legs and I wasn’t going to see her unless she came back wearing something a little more revealing.”

“How can the elderly expect us to take them seriously when they dress like they were born in the 1920s or something?”

This is the first time that Straw has spoken out against what he sees as issues in the British Muslim community. Critics have long been concerned about his failure to address issues such as integration, the spread of extremism, or a pet issue for many Western feminist critics of Islam, FGM.

“FGM?” Straw laughs. “I’m more of an FHM man myself.”

As part of their program of promoting Australian values, a government taskforce has called on Muslims to reconsider their 1,400 year old ban on eating pork. “Pork nowadays is very clean,” a spokesman told Satirical Muslim today. “In the old days, it was a very dirty animal but now they keep them in special farms and feed them special food.”

The federal government has committed $60,000 to produce a pamphlet, entitled “Let’s Talk About Pork” and will be distributing it to the nation’s mosques and Islamic schools in time for the end of Ramadan.

“Like all societies, food is a major part of our national identity,” treasurer Peter Costello said today. “And if an Australian isn’t eating pork, he is really missing out on what is a major part of being Australian.”

“It’s like an American that doesn’t eat burgers. A Chinaman that doesn’t eat rice. One of those South Americans that isn’t wearing a poncho and a bowler hat. Or like a Frenchman that doesn’t just surrender.”

The pamphlet will also be accompanied by a national television campaign. The “Isn’t it time that you tried swine?” campaign will feature prominent Australians speaking about the value of pig meat to national identity. Satirical Muslim can confirm that one advertisement features former Australian Idol star, Anthony Callea singing, “Don’t be a dork. It’s time for pork”.

One verse reads:

You’ve saved and saved, you’ve planned and planned,
To move you and your family to our fair land,
But before you arrive, we need to talk,
Don’t bother coming, if you won’t eat pork.

Some Muslim leaders have questioned whether eating pork can ever be allowed under shariah law. However, a government spokesman has noted that this is also an opinion shared by Osama Bin Laden, the Taliban and the 9/11 hijackers.