the satirical muslim

Fake news, real observations

We’ve moved!

Posted by satiricalmuslim on November 17, 2006

Nobody panic… We’ve moved but we’re bigger and better!

You can now laugh yourself silly at


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Moonsighting a calculated controversy

Posted by Al-llama on November 7, 2006

Celebrating the end of Ramadan this year, Muslims in the West were divided once again over the dates on which the months of Ramadan and Shawwal officially begin. The division is caused by a mixture of community politics and differing opinions in Islamic jurisprudence, and is a source of much controversy, debate, and domestic disputes.

Young Australian Muslim Jameel Haydar described one such disturbance to Satirical Muslim.

“I always pray Eid at Lakemba with my cousins. Those people follow the moon but, wahyet Allah it’s wrong, bro! Harom, my cousin was fasting on Eid and my uncles ripped her apart!” Read the rest of this entry »

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Posted by satiricalmuslim on November 7, 2006


Day One

Crap. I got caught. I wonder if I can get cable in my cell.

Spoke with lawyer. He suggests we go with the Chewbacca Defence because I’m starting to look like him. Ha ha. Only joking, but isn’t it a gas?

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Celebs reveal secret to weight loss: Islam

Posted by the satirist on October 17, 2006

Pop star Madonna has finally spoken out about her recent weight loss, explaining that the secret to her success is the “Ramadan Diet”.

“Muslims are currently observing the holy month of Ramadan, and since I like to pick and mix, I decided to adopt their diet,” she said.

Madonna, who practises Kabbalah, an offshoot of Judaism, said that she’s tried Catholicism as well, so it was time to inject some Islam into her “diet”.

“The whole Jesus and a cross to bear thing has been really good for me in terms of my stage shows and video clips. And the Kabbalah thing has also been really amazing because I wear a wristband and I seem more serious now,” she explained.

“But I thought fasting may be a good exercise in restraint and also facilitate weight loss – so long as I don’t have too many carbs after sunset. I don’t want to become a porker, especially because my latest stage show sees me wearing a lot of kitsch leotards.” Read the rest of this entry »

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British Airways cracks down on religious symbols

Posted by xenophon on October 17, 2006

British Airways has come under fire for a purge of religious symbols from the workplace with the policy now being extended to, “non-traditional interpretations of religion”. In the last week, unions report over 100 British Airways staff have been cautioned or stood down without pay for violations of the company’s new policy.

Even atheists have been targeted under the new policy. “We consider the absence of belief to be a form of belief in itself,” a British Airways spokesman said today. “Therefore, we have taken steps to prevent any displays of atheism in the workplace that might alienate others.”

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New Militant Group: We will free Muslim women from themselves

Posted by xenophon on October 16, 2006

Al-Jazeerah has broadcast a message last night from a militant group identifying itself as The Popular Front for the Liberation of Muslim Women (PFLMW). Calling for Muslim women to be freed from wearing hijab and dressing conservatively, a spokesman for the group has denounced Western governments for not passing laws illegalising the wearing of the hijab.

“For too long, Muslim women have been denied a voice,” the spokesman warns whilst speaking from an unidentified inner-suburban cafe hideway. “Praise be to the secular nostrums of radical feminism, we have arrived to speak for them.”

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Testing times as Americans look for answers to North Korean crisis

Posted by xenophon on October 11, 2006

As the United Nations meets to discuss how to handle the expanding North Korean crisis, an American film producer has announced the re-release of the 2004 film, Team America. Initially released under the comedy genre, recent events in North Korea have seen the film reclassified as documentary. It will be screened on the National Geographic channel towards the end of the year.

“As America faces a new and more dastardly enemy in the form of Kim Jong Il,” a spokesperson for the film distributor said. “They are looking for answers and an independent and objective assessment of how fantastically evil and deranged this man really is. Team America will provide these answers.”

The recent nuclear test conducted by the North Korean regime has led to an increased awareness of a country called North Korea within the United States. A recent CNN poll found that 85 per cent of Americans now believed that North Korea had a role in September 11 as compared to just 52 per cent last year.

President Bush has declared the nuclear test a vindication of his decision to invade Iraq. “We said there were WMDs and we found WMDs,” he told a press conference today. “They are in Korea. And the fact that they were in Korea shows the level of cooperation between Saddam and Kim Jong Il.”

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Saira Khan speaks out on North Korea

Posted by xenophon on October 11, 2006

A runner-up on BBC TV’s The Apprentice reality television show, Saira Khan, has entered the debate on women’s dress in the United Kingdom. Writing in the previously prestigious The Times, Khan likened the veil to, “domestic violence, forced marriages, sexual abuse and child abuse that are rife in the Muslim community”.

Saira is the daughter of immigrant Kashmiri parents and claims to have suffered from an overly strict upbringing which led to all sorts of inhuman suffering. As she told a British newspaper, “At home I ate different food to the meals my English friends ate and watched Bollywood films while my friends were going to the cinema. I would have loved to have had sausages and baked beans at home, or get my dad to go to the pub and drink cider, but that was never going to be.”

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Jack Straw to Muslims: “This isn’t about you.”

Posted by xenophon on October 8, 2006

Jack Straw, recently fired by the Bush Administration as British Foreign Minister, has sparked a controversy in the United Kingdom with remarks critical of the veil worn by some Muslim women. Speaking at a Labour Party conference, Mr Straw said that he requested that veiled women remove their veils before meeting him.

“I understand that some of these women are very religious and it’s a terrible affront to be asked to remove their veil in front of a man they are not related to,” Straw told Satirical Muslim. “But to that I say, ‘this isn’t about you, love’. This is about me. I’m the one with the problem.”

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Federal Government: eating pork builds national identity

Posted by xenophon on October 7, 2006

As part of their program of promoting Australian values, a government taskforce has called on Muslims to reconsider their 1,400 year old ban on eating pork. “Pork nowadays is very clean,” a spokesman told Satirical Muslim today. “In the old days, it was a very dirty animal but now they keep them in special farms and feed them special food.”

The federal government has committed $60,000 to produce a pamphlet, entitled “Let’s Talk About Pork” and will be distributing it to the nation’s mosques and Islamic schools in time for the end of Ramadan.

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